Ribbons and Lashes

Today I feel like I'm at the end. I had been reading a manga and one of the themes that is repeated is that people chose other people to be with. Aria ( that's what I call my boyfriend sometimes ) doesn't choose me. I know I have many faults, but I try so hard. I used to think that I wanted somebody kind to be around, somebody who could include me with their friends, and let me part of their family. A best friend. I've built my life around him and he cares more about his car and his computers than he does about me. I could manage without the being included and being part of the family, but I need him to be there. I feel so guilty when I have to turn to other friends for help because he's not there or when I go hang out with my other friends because he's always gone. The only time I get to spend with him is his left-over time. Little scraps that I can pick up and try to make a relationship out of. It's been really bad since August. Today I didn't get a hug or a kiss or anything when I saw him. Nothing. I just want him to love me and try to act like he cares about me, at least sometimes. And I know that I can't expect things to be perfect or to always feel like I'm sooo happy in love with him. But, being with him makes me feel like death and even then he is all that I want. And it won't be and it can't be. Because he doesn't...
  • Current Music
    VNV Nation - End of Days

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A poem i wrote...yep

Home is where the heart is
Then my head rests on the pavement
And it was 3 story fall
From your heart to the asphalt
Come morning, your thoughts will be on me
Come morning, ill be engraved in stone.
Like the emotions, from your actions, you condone.

The yarn ball slowly dwindles
And spills onto the pavement
I’m just a tangled mess
It’s all knots and pulled so tight
Cutting off circulation to
To everything and everyone around me
To my emotions and memory
By the time you come to realized
Ill be carried away,
The chalk silloette is all that will be left

A New Girl...Who's heart won't mend

I just joined this community, I was bored and looking up interests and I put "broken hearts" into the search box, and you guys came up.

I haven't told ANYONE what happened to me and my last boyfriend, and I don't think that I ever will. Well not to people that I actually know.

So basically I needed a place to vent about how I feel.

I met Josh in 4th grade and I never really like him. He was kind of a loner guy that tried to be cool. I used to make fun of him because he smelt bad or because his hair was a little greasy one day. He moved in the middle of 6th grade, and came back to school at the beginning of this year. I'd seen him around Brewer, but I knew that he lived in Bangor now. I found out his sn (from a mutual friend) and I talked to him online one day. And we just really seemed to click. I called him that day and we talked on the phone for maybe two hours. But I also knew that I couldn't go into anything with him because he liked my friend Erika, and Erika liked him back. So for about 2 weeks, I was trying to get them to go out. I felt kind of used by him at first, but I just figured that he just really wanted to go out with her. And I liked him enough to do it for him.
Erika said no. Which I got confused by because I knew that she liked him. Now shes going out with Evan, but that's a whole different story...and anyways, Josh found out that I liked him. I actually wrote it in my old livejournal, and somebody sent my LJ to him and he read it.
I was online talking to him and he was just like "if you like me so much then why don't u just ask me out" and I thought that was kind of weird, because guys usually ask ME out...so I didn't do anything. I didn't answer and he just goes "Kayla, will you go out with me" and I said yes. Everything was fine for a while, but after a while he stopped calling every night, on Tuesday he called 6 times and then it stopped. He didn't call until Thursday, and even then we only talked for like 10 minutes. He was over at my house on a Saturday after his basketball practice, and we had just gone to Chilli's and he didn't feel good. So I heated up a heating pad (that sounds like we're old people lol) and we layed together on my couch. My mom was home, but then she left to go to the store, and he just randomly got up and started to play my piano. I mean, like I can remember every single minute of that night. He asked me to make him Chocolate Milk and I did. He drank it all in like 2 seconds lol...he's skinny as hell but eats like a horse lol...then my friend Danielle called. I think it was then that something happened. actually it was probably earlier that day when I met his friend Cameron, and I kind of hugged him in front of Josh...but it was just a joking hug...and I explained that to Josh and he seemed fine with it...but back to Danielle, she called and they talked on the phone, and I was right there listening to their conversation...and he made it seem as if I didn't matter. He had his arm around me and I was laying into him, but he was talking to her like THEY were going out. It made me really mad, so finally I got up and went into my room. He finally got the hint, and followed me in...but right before he came in, I heard him say "nah, i'm going home soon..call me at 10:30" it was like 9ish...and I was just like WTF...I mean don't do that at ur gf's house dumb ass....and anyways, I wanted to make him jealous so when he went to go home he took my cellphone and I thought that he was going to delete Cam's number from my cell...so I made a plan (prolly not a smart idea) and I said, "don't delete cam's number" like I liked him or something...so Josh would think that I liked him...and the whole ride home he didn't say one word, or hold my hand like he always did. I called him that Sunday and we only talked for a couple of minutes but it was really awkward. That monday I was tlaking to my friend Dezare, and I had left skewl early that day, and Dezare said that Josh had said that he was going to break up with me. I was so confused. That Tuesday I found out that it was true. But NOT FROM JOSH. Josh hasn't even officially told me that we're broken up yet. And it's been like a week.
I just wish that I could tell him how I feel, but I know that he doesn't feel that way anymore. I want him to know, but I'm afraid...anyone have any advice?
  • Current Music
    No More Tears-My friend Cianne

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i dont know what to do... i just dont... im in luv with my boyfriend but i feel he dont luv me as much as i luv him....i keep worrying hes gonna break up with me and go back with his ex again... when we first went out he did that but then he got back with me.. he keeps saying i have nothing to worry about.. ill never lose him but i cant help thinking i am sometimes....i had a nervous breakdown again and my chest hurts right now.. im not sure.. maybe its my heart.. i dont know but i cant stop crying again either... this is the second time ive had a nervous breakdown thinking im going to lose him...i had a nervous breakdown i think last week.. friday was our 1 month anniversary n everything... i just... i dunno... i dunno if he truely cares for me as much as i do him...it hurts...im just soo scared......
  • Current Music

living in a dream

i was happy...
my life was perfect...
b/c i had you...

but then my alarm clock went off
and reality hit
and i realized that it had just been a dream
and that i'm really not happy...
b/c i dont have you...
  • Current Music
    Radiohead- Let Down